I know, shocking question, right? How could your marriage be an idol? Isn’t God the one who created marriage? It’s such a beautiful picture of His love for us…how in the world could it be made an idol?
Well, the sneaky thing about idols is that they can be disguised as GOOD things. That job you love that brings you so much joy and allows you to live into your purpose…but you spend 80+ hours a week on it and neglect any time with your family or Jesus. Those three kids you stay home with that you care for from the time you wake up to the time you go to sleep…but it consumes you with feelings of inadequacy, guilt and comparison because you don’t quite think you are as good of a mom as Sally across the road. Or your Instagram-worthy marriage that you want everyone to believe is perfect…but the reality is that you are spending most of your nights fighting and wondering where you went wrong.
Idols don’t always look like addictions, golden statues, or sinful behavior that others can see. As humans, we can take what God designed as blessings (job, motherhood, or marriage) and turn them into our ultimate fulfillment. We can put them on such a high pedestal that our life comes crumbling down when the boat gets rocked in any capacity.
Ask me how I know!
I had made my marriage an idol. In fact, I had made many things in my life an idol. I was on the hard and fast path to making my life appear put together and perfect. I was caught in the cycle of “if then…then that.”
If we just had more money….then we could breathe easier at night.
If I had more success in my business…then I’ll finally feel like I’ve done something with my life.
If my husband would just do better…then I could be happier with him.
If, if, if, if, if!!!!!!
Let me tell you, that was an exhausting way to live. Always striving for better and more. Always thinking there was something that needed to be changed. Always feeling let down when things didn’t seem to be going my way. And my marriage…that was at the top of the list.
I had high expectations for my husband. And I felt like he wasn’t stepping up to the plate very well. I desired for him to love me better…even though I wasn’t loving him the best way that I could. I felt the sting of rejection so violently when he would get home late because the cows were out again…and I believed it had something to do with me…and not just that the cows were out. I desperately wanted a picture-perfect marriage…and when I discovered that was a lot harder to obtain than I had previously thought…my emotions ran rampant, the fights began, and the idol grew stronger and stronger.
Looking back now I can see it so clearly. I wanted my husband to save me, fulfill me, and give me everything that I needed. I wanted him to heal my heart that I hadn’t been willing to open up before. And when he couldn’t because he is an imperfect human being…it left me feeling so depleted and empty. And that’s when the enemy’s lies grew louder and louder in my head.
“He can’t give you what you need.”
“You don’t deserve to be treated like that.”
“You will always come second.”
And the anxiety and worry began to grow…
An idol is anything that takes the place of God. Anything that you worship over Him. Romans 1:25 says “They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise!” Been there, done that. And it isn’t a pretty sight. When you have an idol of marriage…it will feel like you depend on your husband for everything. It will feel like the end of the world when hard times come. You may over-analyze everything and harmful thoughts and lies may consume you. Whatever your husband does affects you deeply and you have a hard time separating from him.
Listen, God created marriage for you to become ONE. It is a sanctifying process and when it’s done God’s way…you WILL grow closer to your spouse over time and you will be deeply connected. But when you are rooting your identity in the “idea” of marriage over your identity in CHRIST…that’s when it becomes harmful. That’s when instead of being your husband’s helpmate in his time of need…you may feel like you are just going down with him!
As God has begun moving in my heart…healing me, convicting me, and renaming me His daughter…the idols have come crashing down. Why? Because I now know that absolutely NOTHING can take His place. Not even something as beautiful as marriage. When He became first in my life…His love was able to take over. The Holy Spirit took residence. Jesus is my Savior, not my husband. The Bible says that God is our provider, redeemer, Father, and friend. He is our everything. And when we connect with Him at a heart level and allow Him to actually work in our life…He makes all things new! His ways are higher than our ways and His plans for us are so much better than we could ever navigate on our own!
As God became first and the idol of marriage was broken, I could see my husband so differently. Not only as a loved son of God…but as my extra. My bonus. I get my needs met from God…but my husband is a gift and a blessing. He is my want. And the way that God has moved in our marriage because of this switch is an absolute miracle! We are stronger and healthier because God is at the top! And the bitterness, anger and worry that I had struggled with has been replaced with more compassion, grace, and love. It may sound counter-intuitive, but with more freedom in Christ came more closeness to my husband. God knows what He is doing and it’s time to seek Him fervently so you can experience the fullness of marriage that He has promised you. HIS WAY.
Psalm 91:1-2 “Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the LORD: He alone is my REFUGE, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.”
If this post resonates with you and you want to dig deeper into what God says about marriage and how He worked radically in my own life and marriage…check out my new book. “10 Things I Hate About My Husband- how God healed my heart, restored my marriage and set me free!” You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you’ll feel seen in your own challenges right now and each chapter will help you go just a little bit deeper with God and what He wants to heal in your heart. I hope you enjoy and I pray that it blesses you immensely!
Love,
Shayla