I’m just going to come right out and address the elephant in the room, friend. As of right now, I am a 33-year old wife and mom to two boys, ages 5 and 2. I’m sure you might be thinking I am totally unqualified to be writing a book about marriage based on the fact that I don’t have years and years of experience under my belt. I’ve got seven to be exact. But what I lack in years, I make up for with growth, transformation, and relatability. I’m in the trenches now. Right now. I’m growing a business, raising my boys, and trying to support my husband all at the same time. I’m dealing with bills, laundry, supper, ranch life, dirty diapers, and Paw Patrol just like you. I have those days where it seems like from sun-up to sun-down all I do is fetch granola bars and fruit snacks, break up fights, and fold the never ending pile of laundry.
I’m in the season of life where most marriages begin to dissolve because who has time for romance when all the responsibilities of life are closing in on you? My brain is so overloaded sometimes with planning meals, cleaning the house, trying to be a kind and gentle mom (despite raising absolutely wild boys), and also maintaining and growing my coaching/mentorship business, with an active social media presence. If you’ve ever felt like you couldn’t handle one more thing on your plate or you were going to snap like a twig, then sister, you are not alone.
So trust me when I say, I see you. I know your innermost frustrations. I know how annoyed you get when your husband comes home from working all day and instantly takes his spot in his chair to decompress. I know how hurt you feel when he doesn’t ask you how your day was. I know the anger that creeps in when it feels like he doesn’t appreciate all you do for your family and home. And I also know the face you make when he asks you where the remote is while you are literally balancing a baby on your hip, cooking supper, and talking on the phone to your mom all at the same time. How dare he ask me for anything right now, you think to yourself. Doesn’t he even notice how busy I am right now? I can already see the death glare shooting his way and the shrug of his shoulder saying, “Geez what’s your problem?” And that’s why I’m the one who is supposed to write this book. Because I get you. And that death glare – ah I know it well. I used to wear it every day myself. However, it’s been gone for quite some time now, and replaced with a much sweeter look. One that is full of compassion, love, and grace.
As I sit here, in my new cozy little ranch house overlooking a beautiful yard where my boys can run and play and run free, I am reminded just how far my husband, Cody and I have come to get to this place. I can remember the old, run down rental we lived in when we got married, the second hand table we sat at when we ate our “one year anniversary” cake, and the conversations we had about starting a family that were equal parts terrifying and intoxicating. But I also remember the feel of that front door I slammed in his face countless times, the hoarseness of my throat from screaming so loud at him, and the countless late nights I spent alone because he was out of town. I type the words “10 things I hate about my husband” as the title of this book, and I am filled with complete awe to know that how I once felt about my husband has been replaced with so much goodness and love that I don’t even know what to do with it all. When I say this is a total redemption story, I am not playing around!
Now, hate is a strong word, and I never actually hated my husband, Cody. I love him with all my heart. And those who know him, know how incredible he is. He would do literally anything for anyone; and he is a great husband and father. But all those annoying things he did, like never picking up after himself or leaving his dirty clothes right next to the hamper, all those times he didn’t communicate well and expected me to drop everything I was doing in order to help him, all those times we were on different planets and couldn’t seem to agree on anything, I hated it. It made me feel so frustrated. It made me question how in the world we ended up together. It made me feel like I was damaged goods because I know I married a great guy and why couldn’t I just be happy? It made me wonder if anyone else ever felt the way that I felt and if this really was what marriage was like? You know, putting up with someone else’s quirks for the rest of your life, and feeling misunderstood the majority of the time. This was not what I signed up for.
Especially as newlyweds, everyone on social media makes it look so perfect. You buy the house, you have the kids, you take the vacation and post all the Instagram worthy photos, but no one ever talks about the messy, ugly and hard. No one ever talks about the fights or how to figure out a budget. No one talks about how two individual people are supposed to merge their thoughts, ideas, backgrounds, values, and goals together. It’s easier to talk about the good and gloss over the hard.
The world will tell you that this is just what marriage is like. Nowadays, marriage is talked about more in a joking manner than it is as a beautiful commitment to another person. Marriage is seen as disposable, instead of as something to be cherished and worked on and prayed over. It’s not seen as something God intended to bring us joy and happiness and fulfillment. With the divorce rate being really high, the world tells us it’s not that big of a deal, and we can leave at any time. When things get rough, it really is ok to either walk away or just stay married in misery as two independent people coexisting. Those are your two choices.
I see it differently, and as you will see soon—so does God. God designed marriage to be a holy and sanctifying process of two people coming together to become one, with the ultimate alignment to be the will of our Heavenly Father. And you want to know the opposite of holy? Common. That’s right. Common. So, if you desire a kingdom marriage, one that will make you more holy and bring you the fruit of what God has promised you, then you can’t have a common marriage. You can’t do as the world does and expect a God-fueled marriage. This is one of the biggest revelations you will come to understand as you read this book, and I’m just getting started.
I’ll be totally honest with you, you are either going to feel so seen reading this—or you are going to think I’m a complete nut job, pray for my husband and stop reading this book today! I mean, I did title the book “10 Things I Hate About My Husband” and that’s a pretty bold move. But the redemption, the transformation, and the growth that has happened in my life and marriage as a result of God’s grace demanded a bold title.
For those who are already vibing with me, keep reading because I’m going to show you how I went from sitting in a lot of anger, frustration, and emptiness when it came to my marriage (and honestly my life at times) to a place of acceptance, abundance, peace, and love. I went from hanging up the phone on my husband mid-call, giving him the cold shoulder when he walked through the door, and holding grudges for days, to forgiving him, serving him, and honoring him. Has it been easy? No. Has it been worth it? Yes. It has only been through taking a hard look at myself and letting God heal my heart that anything started to change in my marriage.
And before you think that this radical change is just for me, I’m calling you higher right now. I’m calling you to embrace a new understanding for your part in your marriage. I’m calling you to lay down your weapons, tear down the walls you’ve built up, and to take a deep breath for the journey to come. I’m calling you to release the tension that you’ve been holding onto for far too long, even though it seems like part of your day-to-day life at this point. Regardless of your situation, lack of trust, or history of past hurts and neglect—it’s time to lay it down. For the sake of your marriage, it’s time for a change. And that change starts with your relationship with Jesus.
Perhaps you may be feeling disappointed by my above declaration of what, or who is really responsible for saving your marriage. Maybe you picked up this book hoping it was a manual to help you change your husband. The easy button would be to take all of those annoyances and frustrations you have and tell your husband to figure his crap out and come find you when he does. Either you change or I’m checking out. How many other wives do you know that have threatened their husband in hopes that they would be forced to change? I’m guessing quite a lot.
I was that wife. The wife who couldn’t wait to jump on the phone and vent my anger to anyone who would listen.
“I can’t believe he can’t put his dang clothes in the hamper.”
“I can’t believe he never asks me how I feel!”
“I can’t believe he spent money without asking me.”
And on and on and on! Cody, if you are reading this, please forgive me. My humanness was shining through and they are certainly not my finest moments.
Speaking of my husband, he is very aware of the content of this book and my mission to help wives in their marriages. He’s been my biggest supporter and has continued to encourage me every step of the way, even as I share so candidly about our marriage in these pages. See, I told you he was a great guy!
Here I am, just laying it all out on the line. I truly can’t believe I’m admitting this all to you right now. Sharing my deepest emotions is crazy uncomfortable, but I’m also choosing to believe that maybe, just maybe, there is one other woman out there who has felt the same way. The woman who has known deep anger and frustration, but at the same time knows her marriage isn’t a mistake. She knows that there is something special between her and her husband and she is willing to learn and grow in order to find the peace that was promised to her on her wedding day. I’m talking to the woman who is yearning to find the holy part of marriage again, or maybe experience it for the first time. Deep down she knows her anger isn’t really her husband's fault. Her anger is a deep wound in desperate need of healing. Yes, putting my marriage on display feels uncomfortable, but if it helps other women experience freedom in their relationships with God and their husband, it’s well worth it.
I’m laying out 10 different issues that I struggled with in my marriage. Some are small. Some are big. Each of them depicts the lies that I believed from the enemy and the stories that I made up in my mind. They showcase how my childhood and my heart wounds projected in unhealthy ways onto my husband, causing more division and strife. And yep, you guessed it—they all have God as the main character of the story. He is there time and time again, picking up the broken pieces of my heart and teaching me what a healthy marriage should look and feel like.
In the beginning years, I would put a band-aid on these issues. As in, we’re going to fight about this and then move on. For example, I would burst out in anger about Cody getting home late multiple nights in a row. We would hash it out until I felt like I had spoken my mind and then put a band-aid over the hurt only for it to surface again. Just forget it so we can have a fun weekend, I would tell myself. The problem with the band-aid is that we were on a rollercoaster of highs and lows and we never came to a meaningful resolution. Band-aids can be a great quick fix, but they are not meant to be a permanent solution.
As I matured a little bit and started on a personal growth journey, I began to at least put Neosporin on the band-aid. Instead of yelling and slamming doors because he was getting home late, I tried harder to understand my husband and respect the fact that sometimes 7:00 pm is the only time he has in the day to rope with help and maybe instead of stewing at home, I should just go to the barn and be with him there. My fellow wives of farmers/ranchers/cowboys—God bless y'all!
Finally, as God began to change my heart and I developed a relationship with Him, He gave me the strength to reopen my wounds in order to have lasting healing in Him. I hated it when my husband got home late; not because I was a jealous or possessive wife, but because I had a wound of abandonment from childhood. It felt like such a big deal every single time Cody got home late because my heart was subconsciously remembering what it felt like to cry myself to sleep as a little girl—wishing I had more of my dad in my life. And as only God can do, He rewrapped and healed those wounds with love, care, and understanding.
Almost every harsh word spoken to my husband, every belief I had about not feeling loved by him, and the insecurities that came to the surface after getting married were all directly related to my heart. They were related to my past experiences of being neglected, pushed aside, and forgotten by people who were supposed to love me. I wanted my husband to love me perfectly, and when he failed because of his humanness—all hell broke loose.
At the end of the day, marriage is just two imperfect people who choose to love each other through the ups and downs of this life. Even still, there is so much more to that story that many people don’t want to admit. The longer my heart wounds festered and bubbled without being treated, the more our day-to-day life was infected with misunderstanding, frustration, and the enemy’s fiery darts.
My hope and prayer is that through my story and revelations, you can head straight to deeper healing. You can skip all the tiny band-aids and go right to the part where God will reveal to you what heart wounds you still have and how he wants to heal it. You can start to pinpoint the lies that you have been believing about your own husband and marriage and why they seem to have such power over you. I believe you will start to understand the kingdom marriage God has planned for you, and despite how you were raised or what the world says about it, that kind of marriage can be yours. Because it’s not so much about your husband and getting what you want. It’s about rooting your identity in Christ and becoming more like Jesus and seeing what you can give. It’s about letting God’s love overtake you until there is nothing but overflow that comes out of you.
I’ll just tell you right now. Before you read the rest of this book, you need to know something else about me. I’m not a “half in” person. I get something in my head and I tend to go all in. I don’t want just a little piece of the pie, I want the whole dang thing. I don’t want to be just an okay mom, I want to be the best mom I can be. I don’t want an average marriage or an average bank account, I want abundance. So with that comes intensity. With that comes intentionality and nitty gritty growth and vulnerability. I have been assigned to speak boldly and directly to you about your marriage and I believe it will hit you in the best ways, out of love.
If you are here for all of that, and you are going to read this book with an open mind and heart, ready for the growth that it can bring—let’s do this. I think this book is going to make you cry, laugh, think, and pray. It’s going to bring you hope in places and humble you in others. I think it’s going to allow you the time and space that you desperately need to look into your own heart to see what God wants to heal. To look at your marriage and be so full of gratitude and love for all that is still to come for you and your husband.
Imagine what it will feel like if instead of ignoring your husband when he gets home, you greet him at the door and you both chat about your day. Imagine what it will feel like to spend time together, not out of obligation but out of joy and want. Imagine what it will feel like to have a partner again and not just a roommate. Imagine what it will be like to pray and read your Bible together. All of that and more is inside of these pages.
A quick note about how this book is laid out. At the end of all the chapters, except for the first and last, there will be a prayer, a scripture, and question prompts for you to connect with. Feel free to make the prayer your own, put the scripture where you can see it daily, and answer the questions honestly. Maybe one of the ten topics will resonate with you more than the others. For example, the chapter about money may hit you in all of the right places, more than the chapter about intimacy. For these areas, I encourage you to focus on and consistently talk with the Lord about it and allow him to help you work through it. I’ve written this book with the goal to have each chapter build onto the next. So even if something feels like it doesn’t perfectly apply to you and your specific situation, I promise as you continue to read, God will reveal those points that need attention.
My prayer is that my personal experiences and insights bring you clarity and hope in your own life and marriage. My heart is to see you claim your identity in Christ fully, so that the love you feel from Him flows into your family. My goal is to help you shut up the lies of the enemy once and for all so there is more peace and harmony in your home. No matter how lost, broken, or frustrated you are right now, let me walk alongside you to show you that there is beauty in the messy and there is purpose in your pain.
xoxo Shayla